On November 18th, 1992, an episode of Seinfeld aired that made sitcom television history. The episode was entitled “The Contest”, and it began with George Kastanza’s mother walking in on him masturbating. A conversation between the four protagonists occurred, and resulted in Elaine, Jerry, George and Kramer having a contest between each other to see who could go the longest without masturbating.
Although the episode won an Emmy, it remained extremely controversial for two reasons: firstly, masturbation was not considered appropriate content for prime time television at that time, and secondly, because a female participated in the contest. And female masturbation was CONSIDERED WORSE THAN SHOOTING A BABY LAMB IN THE EYE!!!!
Now boys, let me tell you something. Any woman who says she doesn’t masturbate is a blatant liar. Girls, let me tell you something: when you and your friends are sitting in a circle having a ‘raunchy’ chat and someone half-heartedly, kind of jokingly says “Hey! Does anyone here like…touch themselves?! Haha I mean I don’t I just read about it in a forum!” And you all look at each other and say “EW NO”, you’re all about as convincing as Paris Hilton’s death scene in House of Wax.
The first time I got funky with my bad self, I was about eight. No joke. I’m not going to say that every girl starts fully masturbating this early, but coincidentally, this is about the same time young females start straddling couch arms and pushing their genitals into the corners of their coffee tables.
I’m sure men can agree with me when I say, that there is a deep guilt, a terrible feeling one gets after masturbating. Especially when you’re young and aren’t sure what you’ve just done. That’s the weird part! You don’t know what you did, but you know it was wrong. Girls, unfortunately, had to hold onto this stigma for longer than boys did. By the time I was twelve, it was acceptable for boys to discuss how they had some circle–jerk last night to some videocassette Taylor’s older brother rented for them.
When, pray-tell was it acceptable for ME to starting talking about jerking off? Last year. And even last year, at 19, my friends would cover their mouths and giggle when I would bring up masturbation. I had to buy 4 different friends vibrators because they were too embarrassed to go and get them for themselves. I have friends that took months to admit to me they even did it. I have friends that refuse to do it because they don’t see themselves like that. They’re so embarrassed about it that they can’t even do it in front of themselves. In truth, it’s a sad tale of repressed pleasure and the inability for women to ever experience the hedonistic lifestyle that men partake in on a regular basis.
I’m totally fucking with you. What this means is that there are TOO MANY pansy-ass women out there not honing in on their sexuality (and there’s seriously no excuse for that, I mean just watch HBO, everyone is masturbating). Too many women listening to their boyfriends talk about how they “jerked off in the gym shower” but remain silent about how they stuck the bottom end of a makeup brush up their hooches because that would be gross. Too many women never achieving orgasm with a partner because they never bothered to figure out what their vagina was into. (That is actually a fact. Like I’m not a doctor but I know that women who don’t masturbate are less satisfied in bed as shown by my MILLIONS OF FRIENDS!!!! Also it’s mentioned countless times in Cosmo.) Too many women missing out on the beautiful feeling of self-love, and in turn, the experience of feeling sexy.
I propose we take a stand against the taboo nature of female masturbation by making it public. Sit on the water jets at the splash pad! Straddle the dryer at the launder mat! Get on that seesaw at the park and ride it HARD because guess what mother fuckas?! It’s our turn to be disgusting.